


Catalyst

by SillyDragon86



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:53:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25389349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SillyDragon86/pseuds/SillyDragon86
Summary: Shizuo lied to Izaya about being in love with him in order to teach him a lesson only he actually falls in love with him and now has to convince Izaya to take him back.Sorry, bad summary.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Comments: 23
Kudos: 144





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This if my first fic on ao3. I wanted to pratice my writing. I hope people like it.

Izaya sat curled up in the desk chair, drowning his sorrow in a bottle of rum, as he looked out the window and over the city. It had been 3 weeks, 2 days, 4 hours, and 25 minutes since he discovered it was nothing more than a lie. 

Every word, every kiss, and all those sweet memories were nothing more than a lie. He couldn't believe he had allowed himself to be so vulnerable. He should've known better. It always ended the same like when he was 13 and his parents put him in therapy. His therapist had been a 35 year old man with a beautiful wife who, like Izaya's parents, traveled a lot for work. 

Over the next months Izaya learned to trust the man, and the man took advantage of this vulnerability. He emotionally manipulated the young boy into thinking they were in love; that it was perfectly normal for a 35-year-old man to have sex with 13-year-old boy; that if anyone found out they would try to tear them apart out of jealousy. Izaya became more distant than ever before, more isolated from his family, which only resulted in more therapy sessions and more abuse. 

He was physically abused whenever he did something his therapist didn’t like, it was always his fault, which developed into an eating disorder because according to the man Izaya was “stupid, fat and ugly and not worth being loved”. 

Eventually Izaya realized that what was happening to him wasn’t right, but he didn’t know how to get out of it and he was too scared to tell anyone. He thought that it was over when his parents took him out of therapy because he seemed to have been doing better. He had started saying how much he loved humanity, which his parents took as the therapy having worked. 

What they failed to realize was that Izaya had decided not to feel anything at all; to allow all emotions to wash over him like water. He had decided that he was a God, above everyone and that God’s didn’t need to feel love, they only needed to love. 

The abuse continued, even after Izaya was taken out of therapy, until the man was arrested for drug possession. He claimed that it wasn’t his and truth be told it hadn’t been. Izaya had made some new friends who “helped” him out. He had been reluctant at first, but after Kine, a freelance detective and the executive of the Yakuza assured him that he would never let anything happen to him he agreed. All he had to do was become an informant for the Yakuza, which he was surprisingly good at and they treated him well. The man's wife left him, he went to jail and Izaya felt like he belonged. That night Izaya had promised himself that he’d never let anyone hurt him like that again. 

Apparently, he was wrong because at the moment he didn't want to feel anything. He just wanted to forget everything! He could still feel Celty's pity and Shinria's regret. Granted they hadn’t been as cruel as most people, but they still stopped by everyday over the last week to apologize for their part in all of it. They always left after 30-minutes or so, but not before asking him to read another apology letter they slipped under the door. 

They made the right decision to leave because Izaya was never going to let them in. He couldn't face them. He couldn't face anyone at the moment. He couldn’t even face himself. 

He would read the letters that recited the same apology everytime and asked him to return Shizuo's attempts at communication. How could he though? He was so humiliated, and the worst part was that everytime he closed his eyes he could still see the shame and regret on Shizuo's face. 

When he fell asleep all he dreamt about was warm arms around his waist, and soft kisses. That was all he seemed to do anymore, sleep to stop the pain weighing on his chest. 

Izaya didn't know when he had made it out to the ledge, but the cold air felt nice against his flushed face. He felt like he could breathe again. 

Izaya had told Shizuo about the therapist. Shizuo hadn't reacted like Izaya thought he would. Instead of anger and threats to kill the man who took advantage of a child, he got arms tightening around him. He broke down in Shizuo's arms that night. It had felt so good to have someone finally hear him; love him. He wasn't invisible and it felt good, but this hurt. 

He had thought about jumping, wondered if it would be so bad if he jumped? No one ever wanted him. Not really. They wanted his body. He was an attractive man, but no one ever wanted him. 

Everyone kept warning him that if he hurt Shizuo he would regret it. Except Izaya loved Shizuo, he had always loved Shizuo, since the first moment they met. It was Shizuo who had hated Izaya. Izaya just kept hoping that one day Shizuo would realize he loved Izaya too. 

Then it happened, Shizuo confessed to Izaya after concerning him in an alley one day. He had been cautious at first, but after many dates and waking up to Shizuo in the morning Izaya had found himself opening up. He found himself making changes to his lifestyle, including his job, to make Shizuo happy. He stopped messing with people so much, he didn’t see the point anymore, and because he was so busy being in a happy relationship he just didn’t have the time. 

He still couldn’t believe that it had all been a charade. A ruse Shizuo had cooked up with Mikado and Masaomi to teach him a lesson about messing with people’s lives. He remembered that night, it was his birthday after all. He remembered telling the blonde, “Good one, I guess you win.” and running out of the restaurant, Shizuo chasing after him calling his name, but he didn’t stop until he got on the train heading to Shinjuku. He had barely made it. No one had to know he broke down on the train that night. No one had to know, he had forced himself to puke because he was, “stupid, fat and ugly and not worth being loved”. 

Shizuo had texted him furiously apologizing and he had let him have it. Telling the blonde he never wanted to speak to him or see him ever again. He dove into work, didn’t bother to do anything “bad” or “evil”. Just got the information people wanted and gave it to them. It was fine at first, until everyone decided to give Izaya shit for hurting Shizuo. Over the next 3 days Izaya had gotten lectures from Celty, Walker and Erika; Kadota and Saburo decided to teach him a lesson, which resulted in a black eye and a few stitches at the hospital because Shinra refused to treat him. 

It was 3 in the afternoon when Izaya finally got home and as he fell into bed he realized he didn't have the energy to pretend anymore. He texted Kine and Shiki asking if it would be okay to take some time off, which they agreed to. They gave him 4 weeks, and so he told Namie, who had been giving him the cold shoulder all week, to take a vacation for 4 weeks. She did, and Izaya took it upon himself to go on a self-destructive rampage. He took up drinking as a hobby. He rented sad break-up chick flicks, cried, ate ice cream and junk food he normally wouldn’t eat. Then stuck his fingers down his throat and puked it all up. 

After a few 2 weeks he started getting apology text messages. Apparently, Shizuo had come clean about what happened, but Izaya didn’t care. No apology could make him feel better. He didn’t know if anything could. 

Staring down from the balcony he wondered if jumping would make him feel better. You don’t feel pain when you’re dead after all. 

He placed the bottle of rum on the balcony, and he was about to climb up when the knock on the door brought him back. 

“Who is it?”, he asked anxiously

Simon's gruff voice came through the door. "Izaya! I bring favourite Sushi! Open door?"

He thought about it for a second. He could ignore Simon. He’d leave eventually like everyone else and he could go back out to the balcony. 

“I bring fresh fatty tuna for Izaya.” 

Izaya hesitated

“Please Izaya”, he unlocked the door. There was Simon, with a sad smile. 

“Come in Simon.”, he said stepping to the side.

"This could’ve waited, why come by so late?"

"I ran into Shinira and Celty." explained Simon as he began taking out the contents of the bag and placing them on the table.

"They say Izaya isn't feeling well so I bring special made pho, and fatty tuna"

Izaya blinked looking at the food then at Simon. He wanted to be angry, but he couldn't. "Why?"

"Because Izaya number 1 Russian Sushi customer", Simon smiled, "And because Izaya sad about Shizuo breakup"

Izaya laughed, "What are you talking about Simon. I'm fi-"

"Izaya not fine because Izaya has same face when parents missed birthday when little."

Izaya suddenly felt very tired, he really didn't want to cry. "It was my fault Simon"

"Shizuo lie to Izaya. Not Izaya fault"

Simon wouldn't understand. 

"Izaya?"

"Uh", he said looking up at Simon.

"Please no cry"

Izaya touched his cheeks. He had been doing that a lot. Crying and not noticing until the tears blurred his vision or ran down his cheeks.

"Sorry Simon. Let's not talk about that. Please don't worry I'm fine."

"Iza-"

"Let's watch a movie, yeah?"

Simon moved closer to the younger boy on the couch, trying once more to persuade him to talk. Mikado and Masaomi had told him what had happened. How they regretted it and were wondering if Simon could help Izaya feel better so he tried once again, "Iza-", but he was quickly interrupted. 

"Simon, please just… let's..", taking a deep breath, "let's just eat and watch a movie. Okay?"

So they did, until Izaya fell asleep, slouched against Simon as the movie played. Eventually, Simon carried Izaya to bed, and as he shut the door behind him he felt his heart break hearing Izaya call out, "Shizu-chan".


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has taken a very long time to write because I wanted to do my best. I still don't feel like it's as good as it could be, but we'll see what happens. I really hope people enjoy reading this chapter and that I have done this story justice so far.

Izaya sat on his couch staring at the tv while thinking about the last couple of days. Since Simon’s visit Izaya had gone back to work. To his dismay he accidentally ran into Shizuo. 

He had gone to the pharmacy in Ikebukuro to pick up his anxiety medication when the unfortunate incident occurred. Kine was supposed to go with him, but Shiki needed him for an urgent matter.

Izaya wanted to put it off, he didn’t like doctors and they both knew it, still Shiki gave him the, "don't fuck with me boy" look. He only ever gave him that look when he got sick, which wasn’t often. 

The only other time Izaya could remember getting that look was the day after his 19th birthday when he got stupidly high on some drug he found on Shiki’s desk. No one was around, and he had been lonely. He didn’t tell Shiki or Kine that, but they knew. 

Shiki and Kine wanted him to see a therapist, but they never pushed. They reassured him that he would never be alone with a therapist. This was a topic that came up again and again over the years because from time to time he would get panic attacks or fall into depressive states. Still, he refused to see a therapist and somehow he was always able to convince them he was okay. 

Lately Shiki and Kine had been acting more and more like overprotective parents, it was becoming a bit overbearing. 

It had triggered a few panic attacks. If they would just back off he would be fine. He was still capable of doing his job. 

He had tried his hardest to convince them that he was over Shizuo, despite the looks they gave him, and that he wasn’t "fucking depresed" over the breakup! 

They wouldn’t listen though. Shiki just gave that look, and suddenly Izaya found himself in the presence of a doctor.

Nothing is more awkward than having your boss and colleague with you as you take a test to assess your mental health. 

In the end he got a perception, but he didn't get it filled right away because he was too scared he would run into someone he knew if he walked down certain streets in Ikebukuro.

He was right, as soon as he stepped out of the pharmacy he ran into Celty and Shizuo. They were probably five feet away from himt. It had been horrific, but Izaya handled the situation like a mature adult. 

You guessed it. He ran like the coward he was, and, of course, Shizuo ran after him screaming his name. He finally lost Shizuo when he ducked into an alley and was able to safely make his way to the train station. 

When he finally made it home, right as he fell into bed he got a call from Kine who asked the following:

Are you okay? Yes.  
Did you get your meds? Yes.  
Do you want us to come by? No.

Word about the chase must have gotten around until it reached Yukaza ears because next thing he knew Kine was advising him to keep out of stressful situations.

So the last few days he had been working from home. Mostly mundane paperwork, but at least he hadn't had a panic attack. 

Kine had called earlier to tell him they would come by over the weekend to talk business, but he knew they were coming over to assess his mental health. He wasn't fucking broken! He just had to convince them he was fine. 

He knew it would be challenging, considering how shitty he felt all the goddamn time. He felt shitty when he was awake, he felt shitty when he was asleep, he felt shitty as he drank himself into oblivion. 

He didn't understand why the pain just wouldn't go away, why he couldn't bring himself to hate Shizuo, and exact his revenge. He was over his feelings for Shizuo, so why couldn't he let go of all the memories? 

He sighed, taking his phone out of his pocket. Looking down at the message from Shinra, he read "Let's go out tonight", and decided to ignore it.

It was currently 7pm, he was slightly buzzed as he clutched an almost empty bottle of whiskey tightly to his chest. He had hid it in a chest only he and Shizuo knew about since Shiki and Kine had taken it upon themselves to get rid of all his alcohol. 

He knew they would never look in the chest because they respected his privacy and it would create a very awkward situation to look in a chest that you knew or suspected held sex toys. 

He was pretty lonely, maybe tonight he should treat himself tonight. Afterall, he did have the dildo Shizuo gifted him for Valentine's day. 

It was a copy of Shizuo's actual dick, but that somehow felt like a step back than forward because then he would fantasize about Shizuo kissing his inner thighs and teasing his hole. 

He shook his head as if that would get rid of the thoughts. He looked at his phone once again only to glare at the message. 

He was debating if he should go out with Shinra. The biggest pro was he needed more booze since he was down to his last bottle. The biggest con was that Shizuo had been invited too, but would that be so bad if he saw Shizuo?

God, how he wanted to believe that Shizuo was as miserable as he was, falling apart and crying. A desperate mess of "I want you back" and "I'm sorry". 

Maybe they could...even if just for the night. He could pretend he was loved, and if they were drunk even better. 

He gave in, typing "Where?", and sending it off.

Instantly regretting it. A cold, nauseous feeling washing over him. He wondered if it was too late to quickly delete the message.

He didn't know who he could trust. What if this was another trick? He kept trusting the wrong people to care about him. Why was is it so hard to love him? Had his therapist been right? Was he the only person who could've loved Izaya? Yeah, the punches hurt and the words stung, but he never lied to Izaya.

Maybe he was a bad person for sending the guy to jail. Kine had said that what the guy did to him was wrong, but lately he had been so lonely and all these memories he had shoved deep down had been resurfacing.

The memories reminded him that no one in his life had ever loved him. His own parents didn't even bother to call him on his birthday. They always forgot, but it didn't bother him. He understood that work came first and he came second. It was why he never told them about the abuse. The abuse would've continued if not for Kine and Shiki stepping in. They had found out by accident. 

He learned at a young age to take care of himself, even if being on the outside looking in got lonely, it provided an extra layer of security. He didn't get hurt. 

However, lately he was on edge all the godman time. He was highly suspicious that Shinra and Celty had helped Shizuo trick him. He hated feeling like he wasn't in control of a situation. Thinking back, it made sense since they never invited him to a hot pot party until he started dating Shizuo. 

Everyone had been so kind as they ate, joked and laughed with him. To feel welcomed and invited to celebrate birthdays, holidays and festivals with everyone had felt surreal. 

In his deepest of hearts, in his secret fantasies that he never dared hope for, he always imagined what it would feel like to have people who cared about him help him celebrate his birthday. 

Well happy birthday to him, his gift being that his ex lied to him about ever loving him. He had run out of the party, he remembered Shizuo calling his name. He remembered that heart wrenching feeling. 

He locked himself in the bathroom that night, and forced himself to puke. He hadn't felt that dirty in years and he just needed to flush out all the toxins from his body. He sat in the shower until warm water became cold, then turned it off and fell asleep on the tiles.

He now understood that it had been nothing more than a ruse. He should've known better because the only time anyone ever showed him kindness was when they wanted something, most of the time his body. 

It started when he was 6 and his parent's work associates would come over. They loved him and gave him the attention he didn't know he craved. He was a polite, sweet, smart child and they all adored him a little too much. 

At the time, it was his grandmother who noticed so nothing ever happened. She had told her daughter not to bring those "sharks" around when Izaya was home, but they didn't listen. Their excuse being, "Izaya helps influence their decisions in our favour", and "he's our son, we know how to take care of him". 

They didn't, and after his grandmother threatened to write them out of the will his parents never brought those "nasty" men around again. A year later the men were all arrested for child pornography, a month later his grandmother died. 

He became increasingly isolated after that, but his parents didn't take notice until he was about 12 years old. The reason they noticed was pretty stupid. See they were having an office new year's party at the mansion. 

Izaya usually took care of Maurie and Kurie during these types of events. However, this party had been different because some boy with messy hair and glasses had decided that Izaya was worth talking to. 

It was nice to have someone his own age play with the girls, help Izaya put them to bed. 

Then it was midnight, and the boy kissed him. It was different, but it felt nice. It made him feel good. His parents didn't think so. Once the party was over and everyone went home his mother went berserk and yelled at him. His father slapped him across the face for the first time in his life. 

He was punished of course. He didn't understand what he had done wrong, only that he upset his parents. 

So life carried on, but his parents were home more during that time and when his birthday came around he told them he didn't want a party. 

"But it'll be fun, son. You can invite a few of your friends.", His father had said, but Izaya didn't have any friends, nor did he want any. He told his parents, honestly, that he didn't have friends and a few days after his birthday he was put into therapy. 

The therapist was a family friend, who went by the name Ayaki.

The first time he had sex was painful. It happened gradually. The first few sessions he didn't talk, then on the 4th session something changed. Izaya had been late that day because his parents went on a business trip to America leaving him to take care of the girls. He had to walk them home and then come meet his therapist. 

He explained all this to the therapist expecting him to be mad when instead his therapist moved to sit on the couch with him. Handing Izaya a glass of wine, and commenting how hard it must be to have such responsibilities as a young adult. 

"Not really" was his response at the time as he sipped the drink. He felt so grown, they talked for a bit, Izaya was praised. Then he found himself being kissed. It felt awkward and wrong, he tried to get out of there, but he was held down, threatened to never say a "A goddamn word to anyone you worthless piece of shit". 

He didn't know if he should talk to his parents about what was happening. He was quite scared they would get mad at him, he was scared the guy would find out and hurt his sisters, so after 4 months he decided it was just sex, and it didn't mean anything. 

After a year he decided he didn't like sex at all. Why would anyone like something so painful?

When Kine and Shiki found out he was mortified. He remembered begging them to let him keep his job, it was the only thing that brought him peace. He wasn't, as the therapist had spat, a "fag". He'd do anything, and then he blacked out.

He had woken up on Shiki's bed with a wet cloth on his forehead and Kine sleeping beside him, on the covers, one arm d  
draped protectively over him.

He had sat up straight because he had forgotten his sisters. Only, Kine explained they went to go pick them up in his place and brought them here. They were fast asleep in the other room. 

Apparently, they really took a liking to Shiki, and Shiki had uttered something about only knowing them for a day, but killing everyone and himself if anything bad happened to them. 

Izaya tried to apologize to Kine for causing so much trouble. He understood if they fired him. Line reassured him that wouldn't be the case but Kine did ask him if he liked boys causing that same cold, nauseating feeling to come over him. 

It was just sex, he could do it. 

He tried to kiss Kine only to be stopped. Izaya was confused, every person who asked him that had only ever wanted to kiss him or have sex. 

Kine explained that he just wanted to know if Izaya was gay, if he was attracted to boys or girls.

The conversation was uncomfortable, but he finally told Kine he wasn't attracted to anyone, he didn't even know what that felt like. He was ready to be hit, for the words to sting, to be fired, but they never came. All he got was a hug. 

After that Kine and Shiki stepped in and the abuse stopped. He decided he never wanted to have sex again. 

Then he became more with Shizuo, which had been an adventure in itself, and it was fine for a while.

It was awkward at the beginning because he avoided ever inkling of intamcy from the blond. He just didn't like being touched if the person wasn't one of his sisters or Kine, on rare occasions Shiki. 

Shizuo finally confronted him about it when they were in bed which had been emotionally draining, and awkward, but he told the blond everything. 

Shizuo had been understanding, he made Izaya feel like his anxieties were valid and that someone cared about what made him feel comfortable. 

They didn't rush into anything without talking about it first and when something got too overwhelming they would stop immediately. Not once did Shizuo make him feel bad about it. Not even when he had a fucking panic attack because Shizuo held his hand. Somehow the brute always made him feel safe, and loved and good. 

Eventually sex good, which was weird and frightening, but Shizuo knew all the right places to touch, he went slow and he respected every safe word they had established. Of course, when Izaya said "stop" Shizuo stopped right away. He didn't make Izaya feel bad if he cried, just held him close and rubbed his back with slow comforting circles. 

Now, all the memories did was weigh on his chest. He missed Shizuo a lot, but knowing all that was a lie had caused horrendous flashbacks.

He never felt more confused in his life. How had he gone from not being attracted to anyone to falling in love to feeling sick at anything remotely intamite. He wouldn't even let Kine or Shiki touch him anymore. 

His first day back Kine had gone in for a hug and he had just reacted. Taking out his knife so quickly and holding it defensively. He had apologized. He didn't understand what had come over him. 

All he knew was that he never wanted to be touched again, by anyone. 

Sometimes the dreams were vivid and he could feel Shizuo. He would burry the memories with alcohol though. It was fine, he just had to remind him that sex meant nothing, over and over again, in his bathroom with the door locked. 

If he slept in his bathroom a few days of the week no one had to know. It was actually quite relaxing to sleep under a shower clutching a bottle of alcohol to your chest. 

It was fine, even if he wasn't, he was surviving. Eventually, the flashbacks would stop and everything wouldn't feel so heavy. 

He suddenly felt incredibly tired, but that's what the alcohol was for. He took a swing at the bottle chugging until it was completely empty. He lay down only to be startled upright when his phone vibrated on the table.

"This new nightclub called Wired"

A nightclub had a lot of people. He didn't really have the energy to pretend to even remotely be interested in sweaty bodies grinding against each other. 

Bodies that could grab him, that could hurt him. However, a part of him also wanted to see Shizuo and he was fucking stupid so he asked, "Who's coming?" 

He knew the answer and he hated how Shinra could probably see right through him. God, he hated himself. Desperate and pathetic weren't enough to describe him. If he only had the guts to kill himself. Not like anyone would miss him. 

"Van gang, Celty, me."

Why did Shinra do this to him! Just spare him the humiliation. Hadn't he been through enough?! He fucking learned his lesson. Don't fuck with people's feelings. 

Honestly, most of the time he was just trying to understand why people did what they did. He didn't actually want to ruin anyone's life he was just trying to understand why people hurt other people. 

Why people had hurt him. 

Kine had warned him about going too far and he didn't, except that one girl who jumped, but Celty had been there. Yeah, Celty got the wrong idea, but he had been on the edge of a building before and Kine had said those exact words to him. 

He, like the girl, had jumped, but the Yukaza had caught him. He became obsessed with why he had done it. He just felt stupid after, and yet part of him wish he had died. 

So he tried it out with other people only he always had a retractable net ready. He built it himself and tested it thoroughly. It was some of his best work. Getting it in the right position on the building had been tricky, but he eventually got it. 

The first time had been nerve racking and he knew it was wrong, but he needed answers. It had worked, and, just like Kine, he met them at the bottom of the building to tell them, "Don't be so quick to jump and waste your life, kid". Most of them slapped him while others said "thank you", but that night the net had failed. He should've tested it! He was just grateful Celty had been there. 

Hunched over his phone, he typed "And Shizuo?"

"Please Izaya come."

"Thanks, but I think I'll take a raincheck. I have work to do"

"C'mon! I promise you won't even know he's there!"

"No Shinra"

"What if you come out with us and if you feel uncomfortable you can leave."

"I don't know"

"I'll buy you all the fatty tuna you want."

"No"

"I'll buy you all the alcohol you want"

There was a brief pause in the message exchange. 

"Okay, send me the details"  
….  
-  
Izaya had decided that he would keep his jacket zipped up, for added protection. Extra knives in his pockets along with his anxiety meds. No one would touch him. He was in control.

Izaya was sipping his long island iced tea, trying to ignore the awkward feelings of sitting across from Shizuo. He wanted nothing more to speak to him. To understand why? Part of him wanted Shizuo to have been black-mailed. He wanted to believe Shizuo really did care about him. 

Everyone else had either gone to go dance, get food or more drinks. They had been here for about an hour and all Izaya could do was sit quietly, sipping his drink as he felt deep brown eyes watching him like he wanted to say something, but couldn't. 

Izaya had waited a full hour and nothing. He couldn't take the silence so instead he concentrated on observing the sweaty bodies on the dance floor grinding and jumping and what he assumed Shinra meant when he said, "feel the music". 

Izaya didn't like this type of dancing. He liked dancing with Shizuo in his apartment to stupid romantic songs. 

He remembered how Shizuo held him close, picked him up, twirled him around and kissed him. 

Fuck. He needed another drink. He stood up a little too quickly causing him to slightly sway and forcing him to grab onto the table to balance himself. At this point he was sure he had more alcohol than water in him.

"Izaya, are you-",tried Shizuo and from the corner of his eye Izaya could see him moving, but before he could help him he pushed off the table and began making his way to the bar, he went along the far side to avoid pushing through bodies making apologies as he went. 

Izaya finally made it to the bar. He braced himself against it, shaking a little bit, but not enough for anyone to notice unless they paid attention. He really hoped he wasn't crying. He didn't want anyone to see him cry. Shizuo had ever seen him cry, and that had been a mistake. 

He took a seat at the furthest corner from everyone, his back to where Shizuo was seated. He called one of the bartenders over. Alcohol would make it better, it would numb this tight feeling in his chest. He guessed he should also take his anxiety meds. If he was in his right mind he would have known not to take his anxiety meds with alcohol, but he wasn't.

Politely he ordered, "Can I please get a long island iced tea, thank you". 

"Coming right up."

He waited patiently, playing with his thumbs. It didn't take long before the bartender was back. He was about to pay when the bartender stopped him, "it's on the house"

"Thanks, but why?"

"You look like you're having a bad night."

Izaya took a big sip of the drink and pouted, "No". As his eyes darted back to where Shizuo was sitting, now chatting with Celty. 

He looked sad. Another sip. Izaya didn't like it when Shizuo was sad. Another sip. After a long day at work Izaya would make Shizuo a cup of warm milk and honey. He'd give him a massage and they'd soak in the tub together with fancy bubble soap. Continuous sipping. 

"Is he the ex or the secret crush?"

Izaya's head snapped back to look at the bartender. He was leaning over the bar trying to get a better look at Shizuo, but only succeeded to get uncomfortably close to Izaya, a few more inches and they could've been kissing.

The alcohol must've been working though because Izaya wasn't threatening the guy with his knife.

"He's none of your business" snapped Izaya, a slur to his words, turning away to drown his drink. 

"Another please", he demanded, whipping his mouth on his sleeve. 

"I don't think so, sugar"

"Why the hell not?"

"Look...what was your name again?"

"Izaya", he hiccuped

"Look, Izaya, it seems to me that you've decided to drown your feelings in alcohol rather than process them. So, how about you tell me what happened? I am a bartender after all. It's part of the job", he smirked

"To listen to the sorrows of a drunken mess"

"Yeah" 

"How cliche. He's an ex. He lied to me. It's fine."

"What did he lie to you about?"

"He pretended to like me. He never liked me, it was all part of this plan to teach me some sort of lesson." He sounded like a child.

"I'm sorry to hear that. That fucking sucks", he moved in closer until he was whispering, "if it's any conselation he's been staring at us this entire Kinee."

"What? Really?!" He sounded a little too excited, he was about to turn to look when he felt the bartender grab his collar and pull him back so they were face to face again.

"Don't look"

"Sorry"

"No need to apologize, love. Just keep focused on me. Okay"

His guy had pretty brown eyes. Shizuo had pretty brown eyes.

"Okay. Can I get another drink now?"

"No. Do you think your relationship could be repaired?"

"Please...and I don't know, maybe?"

"Would you try if he asked you for a second chance?"

"Yes, but I'm... I'm too scared to face him."

"Well maybe talk to some of your friends to help you out, but don't drink yourself to death love."

"I'm not. I promise. Just a bit of fun really", tried Izaya

"Keep telling yourself that darling. Why don't we get you back to your friends and they can take you home?"

"You don't have to I can do it my self", he hiccuped, "thanks for the talk".

He was drunk, and calm, but he still didn't want to be touched

Izaya took the long way back to where Shinra, Kadota and Shizuo are sitting. 

"Who the fuck was that!?", He heard as he sat down beside Erika. 

His brain was slow to realize the question was directed at him, "are you asking me?" He rolled out, slowly. It sounded as if he was mocking Shizuo, but he wasn't. He was just drunk. They had gotten drunk together before. Surely, Shizuo would know that by now.

"Yeah!", He could hear the anger in the other's voice and frowned.

"That was the bartender" he answered truthfully. 

"I know you like to play games, but that was low even for you"

"Shizuo" warned Kadota, "Izaya can talk to whomever he likes"

The alcohol must be getting to him. Even Kadota sounded tight and he didn't like it. Had he done something wrong? Why were the walls closing in?

"He fucking had his tongue down the bartenders throat"

What! No he hadn't! Had he? He couldn't remember. Izaya tried to open his mouth and explain that it was a misunderstanding, but he was cut off. It was getting harder to breath.

"You know I thought tonight would give us the opportunity to talk, but you don't fucking care! Instead you go makeout with a stranger! I can't believe I thought you were actually hurt. Fuck you! You whore!"

Shizuo got up, threw some cash on the table and left. Everyone, except Shinra, following after him, trying to convince him to calm down to come back.

"I really thought this would help, but you didn't even try Izaya. I'll text you later." Shinra didn't sound angry, just tired and disappointed. 

Why was everyone upset with him? All he did was get a drink and talk to someone. He didn't even want to come in the first place. 

Then it dawned on him, he was alone, in a crowded place. There were people who could hurt him here. He moved until his back hit the cushion on the far end of the booth. 

"Okay, stay calm, Izaya. Noone is gonna hurt you. They don't know you, just keep hidden and they won't notice you" 

He felt cold, goosebumps and electric shocks going up and down his body. How the fuck had he fucked up this time he wondered? All he did was get a drink...that's right, alcohol would make everything better. 

Right now he needed to feel better and alcohol was his medicine. Then it dawned on him his anxiety meds! Of course he was so fucking stupid! He reached into his jacket pocket with shaky hands, opened the lid and popped a couple in his mouth. The doctor had said only take one, but he wasn't in his right mind.

He felt too big all of a sudden like people could see he fucked up again. He needed to disappear. Then no one could find him. He was too big. People saw big things. He needed to get small. Then no one could notice him. He needed to disappear.

Grabbing one of the abandoned bottles, he washed down the pills with some sort of beer. He didn't like beer, but he just needed this feeling to stop. 

He grabbed every last drink on the table and swallowed it. Moving around the booth until he was at the other corner where Shizuo sat just moments ago. He needed more alcohol. This wasn't enough, he went to stand up…

His thoughts stopped connecting properly after that. It was getting harder to focus. Everything became a series of pictures, but the overwhelming feeling that his heart was going to explode stopped. He wasn't in pain anymore. 

He remembered feeling good as he drifted in and out of consciousness as if he was between worlds. 

He felt like he was floating, he heard muffled voices and screams. He couldn't hear the music anymore, had it stopped.

He hears something that sounds like distress. He wondered if this person was okay. They should get anxiety meds they work like a charm! He'd have to recommend them when he woke up. Everything went dark after that.

-  
He feels like he is floating in thick, sticky tar instead of clear, cool water. He is drowning in darkness. 

His head is pounding, stomach twisting, and heart racing.  
It's so painful. It's like his body is moving on it's own and suddenly he can feel bile coming up and he's vomitting. Maybe this was death? 

"Uugghh", he groans

"Izaya?" Calls out a voice cautiously. It sounds deeply concerned, "Izaya? Can you hear us?"

That's his name. 

If only he could open his eyes then he could tell the voice to fuck off and leave him the hell alone to drown in his own misery.

It sounds familiar though, he just can't match a face to the voice. Everything is too dark and too hot.

"C'mon, you need to open your eyes!" He almost feels bad. Why does this voice sound so sad? 

He doesn't have much time to ponder the thought because next thing he knows is that he can feel himself gasping for air and he's surging forward above the darkness, his eyes bursting open, he's grabbing onto anything he can find to stabilize himself, which just so happens to be someone's arm. 

Everything is slowly starting to come into focus, but his thoughts still aren't connecting. He vomits again, feels someone rubbing smooth circles on his back till he's finished and he falls back against the body, breathing heavily. Only to push him away collapsing onto pillows. It feels like all the life has been sucked out of him. 

He winced, everything was too loud and he couldn't think straight. "Please stop yelling. It's making my head hurt…" 

He is engulfed in bright lights, and then everything starts to slowly come into focus. He is on a hospital bed, and he is holding onto Kine's arm. 

"Izaya!" Yells Shinra from the side of the bed. Celty sitting upright in the chair. 

He is very confused, but way too tired to care at this moment. He just wants to close his eyes and go back to sleep. His throat feels raw and his body feels like 50 pound bricks. Celty passes him a glass of water. 

"Thanks", he whispers and practically inhales it, but he feels better. The room begins to come into focus. It's a hospital room, everyone is there. Celty, Shinra, van gang and Kine who is giving him the most heart wrenching look.

"What happened?" He asks, hesitantly. How had he fucked up this time? 

"Why doesn't everybody go get something to eat?" Instructs Kine, "I would like to talk to Izaya alone for a moment."

Everyone leaves the room. Kine sits on the edge of the bed, "How do you feel?"

"Tired" He chuckles, "W-what happened?"

"Some guy found you passed out in the booth. Your meds scattered around you on the table..."

"Oh"

"I think you need help", Kine paused pinching the edge of his nose as he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, "you're obviously not okay and it may be best if you went to a psychiatric hospital for a while"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know where this story is going, but I hope so far it's good.


End file.
